Rosie O'Donnell Is Coming To Get Elizabeth Hasselbeck

The following is posted for no other reason than I could use a break from real news:

Yesterday morning at about this time I received a call from Mrs. Occidentality, who reported to me the shocking news that Star Jones announced she would be leaving the talk show The View. This premature disclosure -- the announcement had already been planned for Thursday -- displeased the host and creator Barbara Walters, who later said she felt "betrayed". In another call today, my wife reported that Star Jones -- a once normal-looking TV lawyer whose recent plastic surgeries have transformed her into a contemporary American grotesque -- was nowhere to be found on today's show.

According to Mrs. O, Elizabeth Hasselbeck ought to be a little bit scared. Though her opinions were not always treated with as much respect as they might have been, she was at least treated nicely by the others. Now she will have to contend with the deranged Rosie O'Donnell, who famously tyrannized and humiliated employees at her doomed magazine, and berated the affable and gentlemanly Tom Selleck during a national television interview. It is really only a matter of time before America's foremost hyper-political lesbian will launch a tirade at the polite, openly-Republican Hasselbeck.

The Washington Post covers yesterday's show in this article, describing in detail things which my wife thinks are completely hilarious but which no male dare confront. Like the Harpies and Medusa, men are best served leaving The View to the realm of dark mythology.

UPDATE: The claws are out. Be afraid.

gossip | culture | television | tv